July 12, 2006

• Just for laughs today.

  
  

  >
  >   Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit
  >their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
  >essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
  >across the country. Here are last year's winners.....
  >
  >1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
  >gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  >
  >2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
  >underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  >
  >3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
  >who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
  >boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
  >schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
  >those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  >
  >4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
  >room-temperature Canadian beef.
  >
  >5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
  >makes just before it throws up.
  >
  >6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  >
  >7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  >
  >8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
  >because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a>surcharge at
  >a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  >
  >9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
  >bowling ball wouldn't.
  >
  >10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
  >filled with vegetable soup.
  >
  >11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
  >surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
  >comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  >
  >12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  >
  >13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
  >them in hot grease.
  >
  >14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
  >across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
  >having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
  >Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  >
  >15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
  >resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  >
  >16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
  >also never met.
  >
  >17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
  >East River.
  >
  >18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
  >only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  >
  >19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  >
  >20. T he plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
  >Phil, this plan just might work.
  >
  >21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
  >for a while.
  >
  >22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
  >real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
  >something.
  >
  >23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
  >behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  >
  >24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
  >with power tools.
  >
  >25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
  >she were a garbage truck backing up.
  

  • 7:48 pm
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